All of us must encounter difficult people. It may be in our work, through our friends or with our family. Most of us, when encountering a difficult or nasty person, often respond in-kind - that is being nasty right back. As Buddhists when we do that we have much to lose. So this raises many questions. Why are people nasty in the first place? Why is our first reaction to respond in-kind? How can we learn not respond in kind but with Buddhist virtures? And finally what do we gain by not responding in-kind?

So, first why are people difficult and sometimes nasty? I think there are many possible reasons. For some it gives them a sense of power and control. Others may be acting out a past hurt. Or they may be acting out of some present pain they are experiencing. It could be loss of a job, divorce, illness of themselves or loved others, or the death of a loved one. Some may perceive you as some kind of threat. And then some are just downright crazy - mentally ill. They have a chemical imbalance that is causing them to act irrationally.

One thing you know for sure is that these are very unhappy people. They are in a hell of their own creation. They also lose a great deal by their practice of anger, hatred and ignorance.

Anger has the potential to spread like one bad apple to an entire community. This is why the Buddha had restrictions on wrong speech (lies, slander and gossip). You can find these restrictions in the Sutras, the Vinaya and is listed in the vows of many levels of practice.

So, if we understand some of the reasons why someone might be nasty to us, then the question becomes why is our first reaction to be nasty back? Again, I think the reasons are many. The reason we often respond to anger with anger is partly an inbred response. We learn it from an early age from parents, teacher, from TV, and from people in the media. We are taught that when “someone gets in your face” that we must “get a bit of our own back.” Indeed, our sense of self, our ego, pride, and dignity are hurt and this personality that we have worked so hard to generate and maintain is threatened by the negative words of others.

But when we respond in this way what do we lose - from a Buddhist perspective? Speaking against others (even if they deserve it) is a root downfall to the Bodhisattva Vows and the Samaya in the Tantras

If we respond in kind, however, as Buddhist practitioners, what we are really doing is Perfecting the wrong kind of mind.

By responsing with anger, we

1. Perfect defensiveness.

2. We perfect our ability to use words to hurt.

3. We promote anger.

4. We perfect our own ability to attack.

In other words - what we perfect by responding to anger with anger is all the things that Buddhist practice seeks to get rid of.

We destroy our practice with the root causes of anger, hatred and ignorance - and destroy all the merit and bodhicitta we might have generated.

This is one high price to pay for the momentary satisfaction of calling someone a bad name.

This is why the Buddha was so adamant - and all the vows and root downfalls are so very specific - that we destroy our own Bodhicitta - and instead build up our own store of the Three Poisons - by through our angry response.

So, then how do we learn not to respond with anger?

First, let’s look at the causes of the other person’s anger, and we will see it has nothing to do with us!

There is a Zen story that I think illustrates this. One day there was a man out for a leisurely afternoon on his sailboat. He is enjoying the day when he sees a boat on the horizon. He notices it is getting closer and closer. He also notices that it seems to be on a direct course to collide with his boat. He begins by waving, telling the other boat captain to “turn aside.” But it is not use, the boat continues on a direct course toward his boat. As the boat nears he starts yelling and waving and jumping up and down. All to no avail, because the boat finally rams his boat, damaging it. Now he is really angry, until he looks in the other boat and realizes there is no one on boat. It is a boat that has been adrift. There is no one to get angry with - no one to blame.

Isn’t this also the case when we respond back to someone with anger? On an ultimate level there really is no one to blame or get angry at. In an ultimate sense it no different than getting angry with ourselves.

So, learning not respond in-kind boils down to this - If we are serious about our spiritual practice, we must learn a different way of responding to the anger, hatred and the ignorance of others. It can be done, but it isn’t easy. It is through spiritual practice. It is through cultivating the virtues of compassion and patience.

And what do we gain by not responding in-kind? We see that holding our tongue and using difficult people as a reason to practice deep awareness, mindfulness and especially the practice of peace, compassion and patience

They say there is a level of practice that is as hard as sleeping on cold iron covered with sharp stones. And I believe this is it - practicing patience and holding your tongue when someone is nasty to you. Use this as the basis of your practice. The 8th century Indian saint, Shantideva said:

“Thanks to attitudes of bitter hatred,

I engender patience in myself.

They are thus the very cause of patience,

Fit for veneration like the Doctrine.”

Try to practice bodhichitta every day. One way of doing this is by reciting or at least looking at the “Four Immeasurables” every day. The “Four Immeasurables” are:

May all beings be endowed with happiness;

May all beings be free from suffering;

May all beings never be separated from happiness;

And may all beings abide in equanimity, undisturbed by the eight worldly concerns.

I’ve printed copies for each of you, and I suggest you paste this on your bathroom mirror or some place you will see it every day. The preceptors will have copies available for those you who would like one, as you leave today.

So, practice the Four Immeasurables and learn to generate bodhichitta. Realize that the other angry person is just human being like yourself stuck in suffering. Also realize that their anger has nothing to do with you. And think about all you lose by responding in-kind. If you will remember these things it will be easier to practice patience and loving-kindness when others are nasty to you